0

Buhleted

Well. I managed to lose a post. A few days ago I wrote a meandering passage about how I had decided NOT to write the list mentioned in my previous post, about how in stating exactly what the next post was going to be I found myself strangely unwilling to actually write what I said I would. Then I talked about a variety of other topics, like the trailer to Hellgate:London, the fact that I’m still buying PcPowerplay (masochist) and something to do with the London Underground (I forget precisely what).

Then it shuffled of to a heaven of ones and zeroes. Ah well.

I achieved the dubious honour of finishing Super Mario Bros on the DS-lite just the other day. (Many hours of abusing my methadone program…)

Upon finishing all eight ‘worlds’ something occurred to me. What the hell kind of story is this?

What does the giant turtle want with a princess? Why am I a plumber? The Mario universe is really an odd place when you look at it. Never occurred to me at age seven when I was playing the original at the Aherns toy department on their demonstration machine.

Digression: I loved that place – it was a separate shop – a Wonderland of Toys, all garish green carpet and bright shiny things nestled in the corner of a uniformly white and beige Aherns department store. The moment children were let off their reins by their parents they would go tearing up the escalator and then dash straight toward Wonderland, a gleaming emerald Oz in the distance. The layout of that particular level was either stupidly ill-considered or an ingenious revenue generating ploy, because to get from the escalator to the toys you had to go straight through the crystal ware department. I never found out through personal experience, thank God, but apparently parents were made to pay for any breakages their caused by their errant progeny. (Being an essentially well behaved child and fearing my mother’s wrath I always carefully negotiated my way though all the expensive looking swans and vases at walking speed, backpack held prudently in front of me… )

Where was I? Ah yes. Mario World is a truly freaking odd place.

0

Withdrawal

“You play through the tears, the aching wrist, the hunger, after a while
it all goes away.
All of it except the game I should say.”

-From ‘Virus” By Neil Gaiman

I am an addict. I admit it. But with your help I can overcome this terrible affliction.

Enough is enough. Two many times have I found myself still in front of my screen at the wrong end of five am. Sure, sometimes I’m up circumnavigating the web trawling for wonders – but more likely I’m hunched over some goddamn computer game.

Anyone who has clocked up same serious game time knows what I’m talking about. Bleary eyed, teeth grinding, just-until-I-get-through-this-bit, tunnel visioned obsession. The kind of session that ends with you standing up to finally slink off to bed, only to discover you can barely walk due to sitting in the same position for thirteen hours.

I’ve been there oh so many times. So I have made a bloody minded new years resolution to give up computer games. Indefinitely.

Perhaps I’m overly optimistic in thinking I might gain an extra thirty or so hours a week and use this new found surplus of time to write a novel, learn to play the piano or finally do my last three year’s tax returns. But I think it can’t help have a positive effect. Time will tell.

And you, dear reader, are invited to join me as I try to resist the insidious siren song of my software and stay the hell away from gaming.

Also, I’ll probably talk about computer games a lot. In the same was as if I were starving in the desert I might choose to pass the time describing to you my favourite recipe for oven baked Cajun-style king fish fillets.

So. Last night I uninstalled all the games from Friday (my beloved PC), and went to bed early.

Then I played some all New Mario Bros on my girlfriend’s DS Lite.

Which is manifestly NOT cheating. Consider it like a methadone program. Am I supposed to come off the hard stuff cold turkey? Jesus.

Anyway, what’s a little hand-held 2D platforming next to Oblivion? (Never has a game been so aptly named, but we can talk about that another day…)

So the challenge has been made. The gauntlet has been thrown down. (Oooh! I used to play Gauntlet with my brother on the Commodore 64 for hours on end. I was the green elf-guy with all the arrows! My god when you accidentally used your key and let out that death-guy who could drain all of your life and was almost impossible to kill…)

*deep breath*

Wish me luck.